


how am I gonna be an optimist about this?

by fabulousfairytales



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Amputation, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Car Accidents, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Yeah we're pulling an Arizona
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-23
Updated: 2019-01-23
Packaged: 2019-10-15 05:58:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17523185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fabulousfairytales/pseuds/fabulousfairytales
Summary: On his way home, Levi’s car gets hit by another one. His leg is stuck under the car and he’s losing blood.





	how am I gonna be an optimist about this?

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!  
> We can all thank my boo (@schmittlevi on tumblr) for this horrible, but also great angsty idea. Why is it always Levi who has to suffer?
> 
> The title is also inspired by Pompeii by Bastille! :)

“Nico, I trust you. I do. So do what you think is right okay? Even if it means – Even if it means that you’ll have to cut it off,” Levi whispered, clinging onto his fiancé’s arm, his eyes glassy.

“I promise. I’ll do anything. You will not lose your leg, baby,” Nico replied and caressed Levi’s cheek.

“You really suck at being a doctor you know that?” Levi chuckled weak, “You don’t promise things like that,” he added. Nico exhaled and smiled softly.

“I’m a great doctor and we both know it.”

“Yeah, yeah whatever,” Levi mumbled and pulled him closer to kiss his soft lips, before the nurse signaled them that it was time to induce narcosis to Levi.

“Thank you,” Nico muttered towards the nurse as he left the OR.

_Levi was on his way back home. He had stopped by the flower shop outside the city center to get some sunflowers for his fiancé._

_Thinking about the route that he would have to take, he noticed another car coming from the opposite direction. It was a little weird since this road used to be pretty empty. It still was. But then again, he was on that road too, so maybe he was also a weirdo. There just weren’t many people that knew about this road._

_And what the hell was this dude doing anyways? There was nobody in front of him and yet he switched lanes. Was there a pothole or something? Whatever it was, Levi wasn’t taking any chances, so he used the headlight flasher and honked for the guy to get back on his side of the road. And it worked. The car changed back to its side and Levi let out a small breath of relief._

_That was weir-_

_A loud crash. That was all he could hear before everything went black and drowned him into silence._

“Levi, do you understand?” Nico asked, his voice weakened. They tried. They tried everything they could, they even called this orthopedic specialist in New York, but the infection in Levi’s leg was too severe.

“Y-yeah. Yeah, I do. My leg… You had to cut it off, be-because the infection –“

“Levi I’m so sorry I tried. I really tried.” Nico’s eyes were shiny, he was trying his best to hold back the tears.

“I know. I know,” Levi whispered, his eyes stuck on the window, staring outside where the sun was shining bright. Children were playing on the grass, he could hear their carefree laughter. He wished that he could run around like them. When was the last time he ran? He should’ve cherished that moment more.

He could feel Nico sitting down on the edge of the bed, carefully taking Levi’s hand between his’ and looking at him with a guilty expression on his face.

“It’s not your fault,” he whispered and noticed his own tears that were welling up in his eyes. He knew that Nico didn’t agree, but none of it mattered. Nothing mattered except that they both needed each other right now. Which is why Levi just silently spread his arms for Nico to immediately embrace him and them breaking out into quiet sobs.

They held each other for what felt like hours until they heard a quiet knock on the door. It was Link who wanted to look after his patient. With a solemn look on his face he waited until they were ready to talk to him.

Nico sighed quietly and sat up, his hand holding Levi’s while turning to face Link. He couldn’t even look his friend in the eye. He wished that everything was just a bad dream and that he would wake up from it soon, but deep inside he knew that this was reality.

Reality sucked.

_“Babe, would you go to the supermarket and get some more milk?” Nico asked, wrapping his arms around Levi from behind and covering his neck in kisses. They were giggling as Nico slipped his hands under his boyfriend’s sweater, touching the warm skin of his stomach._

_“Pretty pleeease?” Nico whispered in a cutesy voice into Levi’s ear that just made them both laugh really hard, before Levi abruptly stopped. Oh, he knew what was going on here._

_“Sure, but next time you could get it for once,” he muttered while rolling his eyes._

_“Babe –“_

_“No, no, I get it. You need a reason to get me out of here, so you can clean, because I’m not capable of doing such things,” he snapped._

_“Babe, please. You know exactly how my parents can be if the apartment isn’t squeaky clean.”_

_“Maybe you should remind them that they’re our guests and that they have no right to tell us how to live in here. It’s not like were living in filth between dirty clothes and used dildos, although that might be what they think we’re doing.” Levi huffed in annoyance. He was tired of this fight. This wasn’t the first time they were butting heads on that topic. And it probably won’t be the last._

_“Levi – You just don’t get it. I’ve known that I was gay years before I came out. I lived in the closet for years, fearing that it might get out somehow. And then, when I actually did come out, they reacted exactly the way I predicted them to. They’re gonna throw a fit if this apartment isn’t the cleanest it can be.”_

_“You’re right. I don’t get it. Because my mom loves me no matter what, so I didn’t have to be afraid to be who I am. But your parents throwing a fit, is no reason for me to change my personality and show them a polished version of myself. For fuck’s sake, we’re gonna be married soon. Do you want me to fake it forever?”_

_“No, of course not!” Nico denied and threw the cloth on the windowsill._

_“Then what are you so afraid of? You’re a grown ass man, Nico. They can’t tell you how to live your life anymore.”_

_“You know it’s not that easy. They just started talking to me again. I don’t want them to shut me out again,” he whispered._

_“Then shut them out first.”_

_“What?” Nico cocked his head to the side in confusion._

_“If they’re banking on the fact that you’ll do anything they want you to, just because you’re afraid of them cutting you off again, then they don’t deserve to be a part of your life,” he explained. “But, we also don’t know if they’re doing that. Maybe they want to get to know the real you. And don’t you want that too? Don’t you wanna stop hiding who you are and be yourself? I mean, worst case scenario, they leave. But you’re not alone anymore. You got me. And my mom who loves you enough for the two of them,” he added with a chuckle._

_“That’s true,” Nico returned the smile._

_“But for real. You’re an adult, Nico. And the only person you should bend over for is me,” he said grinning and gave Nico’s butt a little slap that made both of them laugh._

_“I’ll go get the milk though. If I can escape this cleaning hell, I’m taking my chances,” he laughed as he was grabbing the keys._

When Nico came home, Levi wasn’t on the couch where he usually would be. Confused, he looked around the apartment until he found him on the bathroom floor. His eyes were red and puffy and he was sitting in a puddle of what seemed like water. But then he realized that it wasn’t just water.

“Oh shit, baby, are you –“ He squatted down, trying to take Levi’s hands, but the other man just swatted them away like they were flies, annoying him.

“No, I’m not fine!” Levi huffed and shook his head.

“I’m sitting on the floor having pissed myself, Nico. I thought I’d make it to the toilet on my own, but I didn’t. And now, I’m sitting here, in my own urine!”

“Shit, I’m – I’m so sorry, I should’ve been here earlier. It’s just that –“

“Nico.” He rolled his eyes. Could he just stop for once?

“No, no. I should’ve been here. I –“

“Oh my god, shut up Nico. Shut the fuck up. I can’t hear it anymore. Stop apologizing. Things happen. It wasn’t your fault.”

“I –“

“No. No, don’t say a word. Please. Just – Just help me get into the shower.” He still wasn’t looking Nico in the eye. He couldn’t.

Nico helped him up and got them into the shower. His arm was tightly wrapped around his fiancé while the other one was holding onto the wall to keep balance.

“So, how did the surgery with Link go? You said that you were building a whole leg out of titanium? That must’ve been the coolest thing ever,” Levi asked as he put on a smile again.

“Baby –“

“Please, tell me about your day.”

“But –“

“Nico, I just wanna forget what just happened. So please, tell me.”

The fellow turned on the warm water. He caressed Levi’s cheek and nodded.

“Alright. It was just incredible…”

_“Fuck,” Levi cursed when he woke up. He couldn’t remember what happened, he just knew that he was freezing. He smelled burned rubber and something, something… sweet? It might be the cooling liquid? He looked around. He was laying on the ground. That’s why he was freezing. Shit, he got into an accident._

_Levi tried to open the seatbelt, but the thing just wouldn’t budge. Must’ve broken during the crash. He looked around to find something to cut it with. There was a big glass shard lying on the ground. When he leaned towards the shard, he noticed the pain in his chest that must’ve come from the seatbelt. Oh, he’ll have a pretty big bruise for a few weeks. Probably some bruised or broken ribs, too._

_He just got lucky that he didn’t get any glass into his eyes from the airbag opening, his glasses were nowhere to be seen. Ha. As if he could see them right now anyways._

_He tried to reach for the glass, but it was too far away. There had to be something to cut him free. Then he remembered that he had his keys in his back pocket of his pants. Reaching for it, he looked down for the first time and grew stiff._

_“Oh no. Shit shit shit. No. Fuck,” he cursed. One of his legs was stuck between the car and the ground. He had to get it out from it. But then again, what if he’s bleeding and the car keeps him from bleeding out? He groaned as he slowly realized that he must be in shock since he didn’t feel a thing in his leg. It could also mean that this leg was garbage now and that’s why he didn’t feel shit._

_Great. Just great._

_Okay, right now he couldn’t panic. Panicking wouldn’t do him any favors. It wouldn’t be good. He doesn’t need higher blood pressure. What he needed, was to get help._

_He took a deep breath, closing his eyes, trying to think of what to do next. He couldn’t move his leg, which meant that he couldn’t just stand on the middle of the road, trying to wave at passing cars. But then again, he was in the middle of the road, bypassers couldn’t miss him._

_“Okay, calm down, Levi. Somebody will find you.”_

_Maybe if he could find his phone, he could call 911. Usually there’s no service on this road, but maybe he got lucky. After everything that just happened he deserved some god damn luck to make a call._

_His luck ran out however, when he noticed something shiny on the other side of the road. It was rectangular and looked a lot like his phone._

_“Of course,” he muttered and angrily hit the steering wheel. Why now? Why him? All he wanted to do was to get some milk and sunflowers. How did that end up with him on the road under his car – Wait. Didn’t someone crash into him?_

_“Hello? Hello! Is somebody there?!” He waited for an answer, but there was none. He could see the car, it was next to the other side of the road. Okay, there wasn’t much he could do now except to wait for somebody to drive by._

_Maybe he could still at least get out of that seatbelt. Now that he had been aware of it, it did hurt a lot. He fished out his keys and used the one with the most notches to try and saw through the fabric. At least he now got something to do while waiting for help._

_He couldn’t help but to think of Nico. He must be confused as to why he wasn’t back yet. Maybe he didn’t even notice yet since he’s so focused on cleaning. But then again, Nico never really lost track of time. Well, except for when they were cuddling in the morning or were otherwise busy on any surface of his apartment._

_He was sure that the first time they were just lying on the couch, staring at each other and studying each other’s perfect imperfection was the first time in his entire life that Nico had lost track of time. His eyes had widened, and his mouth gaped a little open in disbelief that it already was 6 pm instead of 4 pm. It was adorable seeing him so confused. Was that the face Nico looked at all the time?_

_Levi chuckled. Nico was so special to him. He loved him so much, he couldn’t really put it into words. Which is why he’s doing his best to show him every single day. This man was the love of his life and he would do his damnest to make him happy just like he made Levi happy._

_And then he heard something. Was it a car? It definitely sounded like a car!_

_“Hey! Help! I’m stuck under –“_

_It was a car. A bright green one. And it just drove by._

_What the actual fuck? Who does that? Who sees a car wreck, no two, and just drives by? What kind of asshole does that?!_

_He could feel tears of anger rising up. His breathing got heavier which hurt him only more since he was still stuck in that seatbelt, so he closed his eyes, trying to calm down again._

_Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit_

_Fuck._

_“Okay, calm down. That was just one person. The next one will stop. Hopefully. Time to think of something nice. Something…”_

_Nico. Oh yes. Thinking about Nico was always nice. They had made it a habit that whenever they’re fighting, they never leave while yelling at each other. And right in this moment he was glad they did._

_Maybe that person thought he was an axe murderer or something and this was some trap? Maybe they were calling 911 but were afraid he’d decapitate them or something. He sighed._

_Okay, back to Nico. Nico, his beautiful soon-to-be husband who loved sunflowers and staying in bed on lazy Sundays. If Levi had to define happiness it would be anything that involved spending time with Nico._

_He remembered the moment he realized that he loved Nico. They were lying in bed, the sun shining through the window right into Levi’s face. Nico was gliding his hand through his boyfriend’s soft curls and smiled._

_“You are so beautiful, babe. There’s nothing I’d rather wake up to ever again,” Nico whispered and kissed his temple, the tip of his nose and then his lips. He couldn’t help it. Kissing Levi was the greatest._

_The intern giggled blithely and fondled Nico at the nape of his neck._

_“I...” he blushed a little, “I love you,” he whispered._

_Nico’s eyes lit up and the smile that was already on his face, widened even more into a big grin._

_“And I… love you too, babe.”_

_Levi’s memory was interrupted when he heard a car approaching. Oh god please let them stop. Please._

_“Hello? Sir are you ok – Oh my god, Tom come here!” He heard a young female voice yell._

_“I – I, oh god, I’m so sorry. I saw the wreck and I tried to call 911, but there wasn’t any service. And I, I mean I was alone,” she kneeled down in front of Levi to look at him._

_“When I had service I called 911 and – and my friend Tom and I were supposed to meet in the park, you know the one with the lake? It’s nearby, so I called him to come here too, because I mean, I’m sorry, but you hear so much about people staging accidents like that to lure in –“_

_“It – it’s okay, don’t – don’t worry. Thank you so much for coming back,” Levi muttered. It was getting colder, wasn’t it? Or was it from the blood that he was losing?_

_“Okay, so I have a car jack in my truck. I can get so we can get you out of there –“ The man said, but Levi shook his head frantically._

_“No! No, you can’t move me. I’m pretty sure that my femoral artery got ruptured and the car is currently preventing me from bleeding out, so we should really wait for the emergency paramedics,” he explained quickly._

_“Oh. Oh, of course, sorry we just want to help. Are you a doctor or something?” The woman asked._

_“Yeah. Yeah, I’m a surgical resident. I uh – I work at the Grey-Sloan, so if I pass out before the paramedics are here, please tell them to bring me to that hospital, okay? And tell them that my femoral artery might be ruptured. Please.”_

_“Of course. I promise you. I’m Debbie, by the way. And this is my friend Tom.” The man nodded._

_“I’m Levi.”_

 “It’s not a big deal. So stop, okay? I’m fine,” Levi reassured and gave him a soft smile, reaching out for Nico’s hand and then looking at him in confusion when he pulled it away.

“Levi please. Stop it. Please. Can you just stop faking that you’re okay? You’re not. You’re yelling at nurses, even throwing things at them. And when I come home, you act like everything’s okay.” Nico sighed.

He had come home earlier today, because Claire, Levi’s current nurse, had quit. She was the forth nurse in 2 months and Nico had honestly no idea what to do at this point. All he wanted was to help his fiancé, but apparently, he didn’t want his or anyone else’s help.

“Which it obviously isn’t! So just let it out for once! Be mad! Yell at me for making you like this! Please, I beg you.” He didn’t know how to continue from this point on forwards. Something had to change, or they will both break. And he wasn’t sure if by then they would still be able to pick up the pieces.

“You want me to be mad?” Levi sighed tired. This could only end in chaos. Chaos that he was trying to avoid so badly.

”Well, I can’t. I can’t be mad at you, because I am sad. I’m sad all the time, because I just want my leg back. But it’s gone. My leg is gone, Nico. And I have no energy left to be mad at you, because I’m always just so fucking sad.” He closed his eyes for a second, feeling the tears rolling down his cheeks and quickly wiping them away.

“I wish I could be mad at you. I wish I could, but I can’t. I wish I could be mad at you for thinking I’m too fragile for you to tell me that it was actually Link who did the surgery on me, which of course makes sense, because no way in hell would Bailey let you operate on me. And why did you say it? That it was you? So that I’m mad at you and not Link? I wouldn’t’ve been.”

“I – I’m sorry. I just wanted to…” Nico croaked.

Levi sighed. “I know.” He took the pillow next to him and hugged it tight.

 “Sometimes I just wish that I died back there, but then I feel guilty for thinking like that. Do you know why I’m yelling at the nurses? Why I’m throwing stuff at them? It’s because then they will leave, and I can cry,” he whispered.

He hadn’t told this to anyone. Hell, he hadn’t even said it out loud before. They were just thoughts spinning through his brain. Thoughts that he hated so, so much.

“Because that’s what I’ve been doing all day. I cry. I cry because I lost my leg. Every day I wish I was him. I wish I was that guy in the other car. Because then I’d be dead now. I wish that I would’ve died quickly, because living like this sucks, Nico. It sucks.  

“And this isn’t me. I’m not sad all the time. I’m happy. I’m bubbly. You know that,” he sobbed.

“I hate being like this,” he added, his whole body shaking.

“I wanna be normal again. I want my fucking leg back!” He cried and hit the remaining thigh over and over again until Nico was able to grab his hands to stop him. He put his arms around Levi, he tried to fight him, but Nico just squeezed him tighter until he stopped and sank against him.

“I can’t – I can’t do this anymore, Nico. I just… I just wanna die. I wanna die, but I also don’t. I wanna be happy. With you. I wanna finally get married, adopt two kittens.”

 “And we will,” Nico whispered, gently stroking his back and kissing his temple. “We will do all of that, baby.”

_“Young man, mid to end of his twenties. Ruptured femoral artery. Got into a car crash with another car. Stuck between the ground and his own car. He lost quite some blood, but it would’ve been more if he hadn’t told us. He said that he’s a doctor here before he’s been slipping in and out of consciousness –“_

_“Levi?! Oh god oh god oh god, no,” Taryn whispered and took his hand between hers._

_“Levi, hey. Can you hear me?” Hunt asked. Levi didn’t open his eyes, but the groaned a little in acknowledgement._

_“Okay good, you’re here now okay? We’re gonna take care of you. Helm, contact Dr. Lincoln for a consul and then talk to Dr. Kim. He’s been waiting for news for hours,” he ordered to which Taryn just nodded._

_The resident called Link to come to Trauma 2 and texted Dahlia and Casey to come to the ER before taking a deep breath. She couldn’t cry now. Now wasn’t the moment, she had to talk to Nico and be there for him. There was no time for her to break down. She found Nico in the waiting area and sat down next to him._

_He looked at her and felt his heart drop. He knew her good enough to know that she wouldn’t be this quiet if everything would be fine. There were news. And they were not good._

_“Say it, Taryn. Please. What happened.” She sighed and took one of his hands between hers._

_“I – Nico I’m sorry, he had an accident. His leg was stuck under the car which actually saved him. Hunt and Link are working on him right now. But Nico? His leg looks bad… As in… really bad.”_

_“Is he going to…?”_

_“I don’t know. But I have to go back to assist them. I’ll update you as often as I can. I’m so sorry that I have to leave you now, but Dahlia and Casey are on their way, okay? You want me to call someone else?” He just slightly shook his head._

_“Alright. Nico? I promise we’ll do our best, okay?” He nodded._

“Okay Levi. How does that one feel?” David asked as he put on the new prosthetic leg. It’s been a long few months full of tears and several prosthetic legs. He’s been to therapy, has been meeting Dr. Moore and both had helped him a lot.

He had been training walking with the leg and it’s been going great. So today he finally got one that looked like a pretty realistic leg. He had been waiting for this day for weeks.

“I think… I think it feels pretty good!” Levi exclaimed excited after taking a few steps.

“Any discomfort? If we have to modify it some more then that might take a few more days, but it’ll be better in the long-run,” Dr. Moore explained.

“Yes I know. But… I’m feeling good. It doesn’t hurt at all this time!” Levi insisted as he walked around a little more.

“Okay, well then… Test it for a few days and then we’ll talk about the fit. How it feels when you’re standing and walking around all day. You know the drill.”

Levi nodded as they said their goodbyes and Levi practically dance-walked out of the room. With a big grin he was going to the cafeteria, knowing that Nico would be there, waiting for him.

When he opened the door, he scanned the room to find him sitting at a table with Andrew and Jo.

“Hello there, beautiful,” Levi giggled as he bent down to wrap his arms around Nico from behind and pressed a kiss on his fiancé’s cheek before sitting down on the chair next to him, stealing some fries from his plate.

“Hey babe,” Nico smiled softly and put his hand over Levi’s. “How did it go?”

“Well, let’s just say that I could wear ankle boots again,” he said and propped up the prosthetic on his knee and revealed a bit of it while grinning from ear to ear.

“Wow, congrats Schmitt, it looks great!” Jo cheered. Andrew nodded in agreement and gave him a thumbs up with a grin.

“It – it really does,” Nico agreed quietly, watching the three talk animated about the new prosthetic. He hadn’t seen him like that in over a year. Since the accident. He was bright and cheerful, and Nico knew that it was real. He was happy. For the first time in over a year, Levi was happy. He leaned over and put his arms around Levi, resting his head on his shoulder, just listening to the giggles and laughter.  

Nico got paged to the ER, so he pressed another soft kiss onto Levi’s cheek and then left. Since Levi’s shift was already over, the resident just finished eating with Jo and Andrew and then left the hospital to go home.

When Nico opened the door to their apartment, he could already smell the food that was cooking on the stove. Curious, he went straight there, but not without noticing how tidy and clean it was. He could hear the music coming from the radio and Levi singing along. When he finally reached the kitchen island, he had a big smile on his face as he watched him swinging to the rhythm and stirring some kind of sauce.

“Babe?”

Levi’s head snapped up and he quickly turned around. He grinned and walked around the counter to wrap his arms around Nico’s neck and pull him into a passionate kiss. Surprised, but definitely not disappointed, he put his arms around Levi’s waist and returned the kiss. They stood there until the timer rang, reminding Levi to drain the noodles. Their lips separated, and Levi turned around quickly to go over to the stove, but put too much weight on the prosthetic, thus slipping and almost falling, hadn’t it been for Nico’s quick reflexes to catch him.

For a moment, the apartment was completely silent. Nico watched the man in his arms intensely, worried that he could be upset. But then the most beautiful thing happened: He laughed. Levi laughed and put his arms again around Nico’s neck, to stand properly again. He had infected Nico with his laugh and now they were standing in their kitchenette, giggling like school boys.

Levi gave him a soft peck before carefully going to the stove and taking the pot from it, pouring its content into the strainer in the sink. He turned off the stove and got out two plates from the cupboard above when he heard it.

Nico was crying. With wide eyes, Levi turned around to look at him, taking big strides to be with him as quickly as possible to gently wipe away the tears.

“Baby? Are you –“

“Yes,” he sniffled, “Yes I am okay. I am great, to be honest. It’s just – Marry me,” he whispered, putting one hand on Levi’s shoulder while cupping his cheek with the other one.

“I uh – I’m pretty sure you already asked me that,” Levi chuckled and showed him his left hand with the ring on it.

“Yeah but. After everything happened… There wasn’t much time to think about that. This is the first time I’ve seen you this happy since… Since the accident. And it feels like we’re ready again. We’re ready to finally get to the whole planning and stuff. Or we could just elope. I don’t care. I just – I just wanna be with you for the rest of my life.” He was still sniffling a little bit, but also smiled widely.

“Oh baby – Nico I – Of course! Of course. Let’s do that. Let’s get married as soon as possible.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Yes, I want to finally call you my husband,” he whispered and kissed him happily.

Nico grinned into the kiss and wrapped his arms tightly around Levi’s waist, lifting him up and spinning around. They were both grinning like idiots, neither of them seeming to stop anytime soon. The happy kiss turned into something way more passionate and a few minutes later, they found themselves laying on the bed, clothes almost completely abandoned on the floor.

“Are you…? Last time wasn’t really…” Nico trailed off when he saw the warm smile on his soon-to-be husband’s face.

“I wasn’t ready last time. Neither of us were. But now we are. At least I think so.” Levi responded, gently caressing Nico’s cheek and kissing him softly.

“I do too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you thank you thank you so much for reading! Please leave a comment to boost my ego hahaha. No, but for real, comments are very much appreciated!  
> If you got a prompt or just wanna talk I'm [orthoglasses](http://orthoglasses.tumblr.com/) on tumblr!


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